Interview in Gloucestershire Newspaper - february 2005
Click here to download the article in PDF format (1.9 MB).


THE CHALLENGING JOB OF PARENTING!
written by Sarah Geddes
published November 2004 in La Femme Magazine

(how to make it easier, more fulfilling & rewarding
and enable our children to live successful, happy lives!)

THE CHALLENGE: In today’s modern and troubled world, there is no job as important, challenging or demanding as successful parenting. There is a growing unease in society among conscientious parents that our children are caught up in the rat race – the modern world, to the detriment of character. They may be picking up values related to how much money we can earn, power and control over others (rather than within ourselves). We are seeing unhealthy coping mechanisms such as bullying, deceipt, manipulation of others, avoidant behavior, drugs, alcohol, self-harm and a ‘do it to them before they do it to you!’ hostile attitudes. Stress related illness, depression and low self-esteem plagues many children and adults.

WHAT WE WISH FOR OUR CHILDREN: Every parent wishes for their child’s happiness and to help prevent them experiencing these unhappy states of being. So, how can a parent assist children to grow into happy and successful adults, living in a healthier, happier, peaceful world environment? Can parents remain on good terms with children during difficult phases or circumstances, despite differing views? Can we teach children how to form and maintain healthy and stable relationships both personal and professional? Can we show them the way to manage their emotions, rather than be controlled and at the mercy of them? And is it possible while we do this (and more besides) to also enjoy additional fulfilment in our own lives, communicate in less time consuming and more effective ways that fully support our children’s development on multiple levels; to become the parents we always wished to be – relaxed, competent, helpful to our children and ourselves?

What about ethics, integrity, love, respect? Can we teach children how to be capable of meeting all their needs in life – enough money through legitimate and healthy means, to take care of themselves properly and experience life fully, enough love, respect and emotional intelligence to secure happiness in all their relationships and success in all they focus their energies on, and enough awareness of themselves – to find they really do have all they need to live rewarding happy lives – within their very being!?

MEETING THE CHALLENGE! The family is primarily where we learn our relationship skills. The way we relate to our children and teach them to relate to each other, can be our permanent gift to them and future generations. Relationships with our children, CAN be improved, sometimes DRAMATICALLY, by skillful adult communications. Instead of blame “who left the milk out of the fridge” try giving information “kids, milk turns sour when it’s left out”. Rather than demanding and undermining confidence by saying “put it back right now and don’t forget again” we can state an expectation/express belief in their capability “I expect you to put things back, when you are finished with them”. An informed, skilled parent can show their children, how they can get along better with each other, friends, relatives, teachers, even their future boss, or employees. By teaching your child communication skills and how to ‘win friends and influence’ others, you are giving them a rocket fuelled start towards their adult life! Not to mention, you will experience more FUN while parenting, feel calmer, empowered, more competent, relaxed and fulfilled as a parent. Your home will be quieter, full of loving/respectful communications and your family will have what it takes to works as a strong united TEAM or individuals!

RESOURCES THAT SUPPORT AND ASSIST US. Every parent is unique and will walk their own path in raising their children (based on values, beliefs, cultural traditions, personality and many other factors). This highly individual path is lit by many opportunities to become more informed and aware, gain insights and new perspectives and enhance our childrens lives, this may be through the help of group workshops that cover parenting communication skills, one-to-one coaching with trained, knowledgeable and experience coaches, through reading, community projects, studying and reflecting on positive parenting. Many communities and counties offer these opportunities.

Fortunately for Gloucestershire residents, these opportunities are presenting themselves on our very doorstep here in Cheltenham! We enjoy resources such as the Isbourne Foundation (centre for creating positive lives – telephone 01242 254321 or visit www.Isbourne.org), Music Cultural Development Project (www.MCDP.org.uk), Natural Living Shows (www.naturalhealthshows.co.uk), Family Education Workshops Parent Education and Coaching Services such as Parent line plus (www.parentlineplus.org.uk – government funded) and Positive Families (www.positivefamilies.com – private sector). All these resources provide opportunities for parents and anyone who lives or works with children to explore for themselves, new information, insights, skills, techniques and perspectives that can lead to a whole host of new alternatives and choices for how we interact with children.

DANGER! BEWARE PERFECTION! So much advice, from so many ‘specialists’ and ‘experts’!!!!!!! A word of warning - striving to be the ‘perfect’ parent is fruitless and often sets us up to under-perform and experience frustration and feelings of failure. When you attend workshops or coaching sessions you will be encouraged to develop a healthy sense of what is ‘good enough’ and to avoid completely the unachievable goal of perfection. There are some very simple skills that can transform relationships and bring about immediate practical improvements in the day to day running of family life. A coach assists parents (one-to-one or in group workshops) to develop these simple skills and many more-advanced skills, in order that they can apply them to their own family situations and all areas of life, as they see fit.

WHAT’S THIS ‘PARENT COACHING’ ALL ABOUT THEN!? A ‘coach’ literally means a vehicle that transports individuals from where they are to where they want to be! So, you will be able to imagine a parent coach being the vehicle whereby a parent can travel from ‘the parent they are most days’ to ‘the parent they are capable of being and wish to be more often’ – a coach can speed up your journey/progress and help you take a direct route, avoiding unnecessary often time consuming and unpleasant detours and pit stops! To put it another way, Parent Coaching is quite simply the process of unlocking YOUR OWN RESOURCES, guiding you to reach new levels of awareness for yourself, that empower you to be the parent/child-care professional you always wanted to be and to be fulfilled, rewarded and energized in doing so. Any work of this kind brings incredible benefits to the individual, as well as to the children and significant others in their lives. A coach is an individual who acts as a springboard, resource, support and information provider – enabling another to actively enhance their life through development and growth.

Our society accepts the need for professional sports coaches, lifestyle coaches, business performance related coaches and now acceptance and recognition that coaching is an effective, intelligent way to meet the challenges of the most important and demanding job of all – parenting.

IS FAMILY EDUCATION OR COACHING ONLY FOR CHILDREN/FAMILIES WITH ‘PROBLEMS’?
Well, how do we define a ‘problem’? It is all relative! However great or difficult family life is – it can always be better (or dare we suggest become worse!). Coaches and family education opportunities can help any family and the members of it, reach their full potential for maximum health and happiness – whether it is the day to day challenges of getting a toddler to bed who doesn’t wish to go, getting kids ready for school in a morning with minimal shouting and stress, issues about mealtimes, homework or general discipline to more long-term issues like how to boost a child’s low self-esteem or confidence, helping ‘bullies’ or ‘victims’ see themselves in more positive lights and change behavior, assisting our children when emotions and feelings run high (which unattended can lead or contribute towards depression, substance abuse and other unhealthy, unhappy behaviours/symptoms).

WHAT IS EQ – WHY IS IT IMPORTANT? "EQ is the capacity to create positive outcomes in our relationships with ourselves and others. These learnable skills create joy, love, and success of all kinds." Josh Freedman, Editor of EQ Today.
" EQ" stands for emotional quotient, adopted from the term "IQ" (intelligence quotient). A high EQ is exhibited by tolerance, empathy and compassion for others, the ability to verbalize feelings and the resilience to bounce back from emotional upsets. EQ may be even more important than IQ in one's ability to achieve success and happiness. Children may score well on tests and excel academically, but how well do they handle disappointment, anger, jealousy and fear? New studies are clearly indicating the relationship between emotions, biochemistry and health. Emotional Literacy builds a foundation for increased EQ.

TOP TIP! One way of helping a child develop emotional literacy, is to paraphrase back to them things they say to you but in an appropriate way. For example, you might ask a child how he feels when his sister will not include him in her play and he replies, "She’s such an idiot. I hate her." The parent can then paraphrase this back as; "It sounds like your feelings are hurt and you feel very ‘left out’, also that it makes you angry sometimes when your sister wishes to play alone." If you ignore how the child expressed himself but indicated understanding of the underlying feeling, you not only reinforced the child for talking to you but also modeled an appropriate way to express himself and helped him label the feeling more correctly. He may express himself next time in a very different way….. “I feel left out, I want to play too”. A big improvement on “she’s an idiot and I hate her!”

A FINAL THOUGHT. We can all reflect on other benefits for the children of informed, skilled parents – they are immeasurable and infinite. We can all gain additional skills and insights that enable us to put our children on a path to holistic health – on many levels, including emotional, psychological, intellectual, physical and spiritual. We never stop developing and improving these skills – it is a transformational and exciting life journey. The moment a child enters our lives, our training has begun! How effective and comprehensive it is, depends on our own personal choices and the amount of energy we focus on it – which then translates into our results and achievement/success.

An individual’s overall well-being affects their every action, reaction, relationship with themselves and others and assures that all they need for happiness and success is present and thriving in their life! What a challenging yet exciting and fulfilling priviledge it is to be a parent or live/work with children and to play such a major role in assisting our children reach and materialize their dreams and realize their full potentials.

Text Copyright 2004 by Sarah Geddes of Positive Families.